I'm so sick and fucking tired of people. I swear. I really fucking mean it too. I'm tired of people complaining about BULLSHIT. I mean, don't complain about shit you get yourself caught up into. I'm tired of fake ass people too. I've been really trying lately to stay positive but what the fuck?????? Everyone around me is being negative and I'm over here trying to be positive and it just doesn't seem like its getting anywhere. And why is it that EVERYTHING I seem to do is wrong??? It's as if I can't do anything right! Oh and also, I've been pretty fucking generous lately. I NEVER help anyone. Never!!!!!! But now that I see some of my close ones doing not so well, I try to help them out. I give them what I can, even when I don't really have it. Listen folks, I'm not rich. All I make is 450 dollars a month, with a 100 dollar phone bill. I hate when ppl think I have all the money in the world, when I don't. I've actually been spending money I don't have. Thats a big fuckin problem. I'm about to take shit back because I can't afford it. My savings has plummeted, from me taking money out to pay my credit card. And it's just whack. I really hope my mom doesn't see my statement, because I wouldn't even know how to explain.
*sigh*
this whole being "nice" shit isn't getting me anywhere.
i'm tired of letting shit slide
or trying to come up with excuses as to why someone is treating me like shit
i don't know..
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Aggrivated much?
Okay so I don't even know why i'm blogging right now.. I guess i'm gonna be a blogspot fiend! Lol but yea I don't know I think i'm a little aggrivated right now. You know how you'll be in a really good ass mood, looking forward to things and stuff? Then you see/hear/whatever one thing and it just kinda makes you feel like blah?? Well yup thats how I feel right now. EHHHHHHHH
So I have to say this: i LOVE solange.
I love all of her friggin songs. I love her style. I love her personality. Shes so different from Beyonce. She's really creative and her songs are different and I really like it. Thats all i've been listening to lately and I feel like I can relate to them in some ways or another. Valentines Day is my shiiiiiiiiiit. I'm adding it to my page! Oh and her new video, sandcastle disco is amazing.
Well I'm off to get ready so I can go pick up my cousin.
Hopefully I feel better :]
So I have to say this: i LOVE solange.
I love all of her friggin songs. I love her style. I love her personality. Shes so different from Beyonce. She's really creative and her songs are different and I really like it. Thats all i've been listening to lately and I feel like I can relate to them in some ways or another. Valentines Day is my shiiiiiiiiiit. I'm adding it to my page! Oh and her new video, sandcastle disco is amazing.
Well I'm off to get ready so I can go pick up my cousin.
Hopefully I feel better :]
Friday, August 15, 2008
Blaaaaaaaah!
Soooooooooooo yeah?!? Nothings really been up with me. I been doin some stuff but I mean it's nothing exciting. Been cleaning, visiting my granny and auntie, cousin stayed over for a couple days, and workin on my brothers new website. Last night we were at my grannys house till 2am. I'm kinda worried about my auntie (who has breast cancer). She's getting so thin again, just like last summer. Shes been going to chemo, which is really taking a toll on her. I don't know... it's just sad to see her this way. My mom bought over chinese food, and even though she was not hungry, she ate it because she really needs it. I just wanna see her better. Like she already had the breast removed, and I thought it was going to be much better from there but I guess its back to the same ol. I don't know what condition shes in now, but i'm just going to hope for the best. When we got home my mom brought up about how weak she was and started to cry. This kinda has me shook up a little...
Today was whack. I'm so tired, to the point where I was getting headaches, but I don't know I just couldn't sleep. When I tried, my dad came and woke me up makin me fold clothes, then I went walking with Cheryl. It was cool, no one was really out. Now my other cousin, Chelsi, is gonna spend the weekend with me. I gotta pick her up at the train station. Shes cool, I only get to see her like a few times a year, even tho she only lives 2 hours away from me. I'll take her somewhere cool and cheap cuz we both brokeeeeee!
I just feel like I need something really good to happen. Something unexpected, something that will brighten up my day. It seems like a lot of people are disappointed in me or something. I'm not sure why, or what I did for them to feel that way. But I guess I shouldn't care. Other than that, I'm excited for Vegas! 9 more days.
Today was whack. I'm so tired, to the point where I was getting headaches, but I don't know I just couldn't sleep. When I tried, my dad came and woke me up makin me fold clothes, then I went walking with Cheryl. It was cool, no one was really out. Now my other cousin, Chelsi, is gonna spend the weekend with me. I gotta pick her up at the train station. Shes cool, I only get to see her like a few times a year, even tho she only lives 2 hours away from me. I'll take her somewhere cool and cheap cuz we both brokeeeeee!
I just feel like I need something really good to happen. Something unexpected, something that will brighten up my day. It seems like a lot of people are disappointed in me or something. I'm not sure why, or what I did for them to feel that way. But I guess I shouldn't care. Other than that, I'm excited for Vegas! 9 more days.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Something a little personal
Sometimes I wish I was a good writer, so I could turn all of my thoughts and true feelings into words. But I can't and I find that to be a problem. Because sometimes, i'll try so hard to put my thoughts into words - but it'll turn into something that its not. It puts a twist to my true feelings, causing someone to think its about one thing, when its really not. I think i'm going to expand my mind, and vocabulary, by reading different types of books. Literature that will bring me new words, new thoughts, and exercise my mind. I'm a deep person. A really deep person. No one would know. No one would have even thought that about me. I keep it to myself, because I don't think I could translate it. It's like speaking a different language, and trying to get someone to understand, but it turns out to be a water down version, and ends up just looking dumb.
I talk a lot of shit. I say a lot of things. But all of the bullshit that comes out of my mouth, more than likely, is nothing I meant intentionally. I do mean well, I swear. I may say racist remarks, rude things pertaining to people. But I don't truly mean it. I don't have a drop of hatred in my soul. I think its something we all do, even if we don't notice it. Nobody is perfect. Especially me! I can admit that to the fullest. I'm like, a on the low bitch. I think sometimes I put on a front, as if i'm the nicest person in the world, when i'm not. I do wrong shit all the time, even if its not that bad, it's still wrong. I think sometimes I try to compare the shit to other people, and say hey, atleast i'm not doing what they're doing. But it's still wrong and I have to change. I talk a lot and have or do nothing to back it up. I complain about things, but I don't do shit about it. I find myself getting stuck in situations, so deep to the point where it's like, it was easy falling down the hole, now I have to work 100x harder climbing out of it. I don't think before I do things. And thats whats going to cause me to fail in life in general. Right now I feel like my life is not moving forward. It's like I'm walking around in circles, not getting anywhere. And It's all because of me, and the nonsense I pull. I feel bad because I see people like my best friend Holly, working so hard to get somewhere in life, and nothings happening for her. While i'm sitting here not doing shit. I don't have to pay to go to school. I don't have to pay for gas. I have a car. I'm over here fuckin livin the good life when theres other people out there struggling, trying to get the shit that I have, which was fuckin handed to me like it was nothing!
I realize I need to value what I have. I need to value the people and family I have in my life. Because there are other people out there who are not as fortunate as me. While I sit on my ass and complain about my parents. They do so fuckin much for me. Theres times when instead of my mom buying something nice for herself, she'll spend her little paycheck on me and my brother, to make sure that we don't go without. To make sure that we have everything we want. My mom is strong. She really is. And sometimes I DON'T see that. There is times when she will get so depressed to the point where she constantly reminds me that she's going to die soon, and she'll cry about things my drunk father said to her. And I'll look at her, and wonder "where's your strength i thought you had?" But I realize that people can have all the strength in the world, but sometimes your strength can be defeated. I love her. I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. And I promise, I will be successful so I can give her back what she has given me. Life.
I need to realize that my father is a drunk. Beer is his addiction, because thats his medication. He's bipolar and thats how he medicates. I can't change that. All I can do is pray. But I need to be positive. He does so much for me. He works so hard. Everyday. He works to make sure we have a roof over our heads. He works to make sure we have the medical we need. He makes sure we can live comfortably and not have to worry about financial issues. He is a hard worker. There are times he has worked 24 hours, doing overtime. Wtf??? He can drink, and call me all types of bitches. That's okay. I need to stop taking it to heart. Thats not him speaking, thats the alcohol. The alcohol is the devil.... believe that. I don't hate my dad. I hate his addiction. And I will continue to pray for him and hope that it will not be the death of him. I love him.
Juan made me realize a lot of things about myself, and that shit is not cute. I've been doing it for so long. I look like a fuckin flake right now. And I don't wanna look like that. Because deep down, I know that's not me. It's as if I'm standing in the mirror and looking at a total stranger. Like what???????? that's me???? That can't be me!! It can't be. How? What did I do to turn into that? There are times when I can't look at myself. Because I am ashamed. I'm ashamed of how I look. I'm ashamed of who I am. Thats not what I want to be. Thats now how I want to look. There are times when I feel every thing on me is horrific. Then there are times when I look in the mirror and I see me, and study my features, and realize how beautiful some of them really are. I look into the mirror, and stare into my eyes. I see the pain, the happiness, the dreams. I see my soul. Today I looked at myself. And I told myself, hey, I am beautiful.. I may not like my body, but I don't have to live with it. I have to sacrifice. The taste of food is only good for the moment, but the taste of being slimmer is good for a lifetime. I can do it. I really can. I actually can do anything. It just takes hard work, and hard work is something I can't be afraid of. No one is going to hold my hand. I have to do it myself. And I know once I do it, I will know for sure that I can do anything, and I think I'll actually be able to breathe...
I want to apologize. To anyone I may have offended. Anyone I may have been untrue to. Please know that when I apologize, I truly mean it. I never meant to hurt anyone. In the end, I actually hurt myself the most. Now all I can do is go back and fix my mistakes, and change now. I will do it. I promise. Nothing else matters. I also want to thank everyone who has actually been there for me, and helped me. Holly made me realize that I WASTE money. I buy shit I don't need. But I love her. Shes always there for me. I can always count on her to listen to me, and not judge me. And actually give me the advice I need, not the kind that sounds good to my ears. I thank Juan for everything. I put him through so much. So much bullshit. At this point, I probably dug myself so far in the hole to the point where it might be impossible to climb out. But i'll try. Because I love him. I truly truly truly do. And from now on, everything I say and do will be real. I promise!!! They make me happy :]
So I'm changing, as a person. I'm cutting all the negative ppl out of my life, and being thankful for the good ppl I do have. I'm focusing on me and what I have to do, nobody else. I wanna be able to look at myself, and see the image I picture in my mind. I wanna take care of myself, and be more real. I need to live now.. before my time is up.
Now i'm gonna go watch old black classic movies with my mom. LovePeace&Music.
Goodnight!
I talk a lot of shit. I say a lot of things. But all of the bullshit that comes out of my mouth, more than likely, is nothing I meant intentionally. I do mean well, I swear. I may say racist remarks, rude things pertaining to people. But I don't truly mean it. I don't have a drop of hatred in my soul. I think its something we all do, even if we don't notice it. Nobody is perfect. Especially me! I can admit that to the fullest. I'm like, a on the low bitch. I think sometimes I put on a front, as if i'm the nicest person in the world, when i'm not. I do wrong shit all the time, even if its not that bad, it's still wrong. I think sometimes I try to compare the shit to other people, and say hey, atleast i'm not doing what they're doing. But it's still wrong and I have to change. I talk a lot and have or do nothing to back it up. I complain about things, but I don't do shit about it. I find myself getting stuck in situations, so deep to the point where it's like, it was easy falling down the hole, now I have to work 100x harder climbing out of it. I don't think before I do things. And thats whats going to cause me to fail in life in general. Right now I feel like my life is not moving forward. It's like I'm walking around in circles, not getting anywhere. And It's all because of me, and the nonsense I pull. I feel bad because I see people like my best friend Holly, working so hard to get somewhere in life, and nothings happening for her. While i'm sitting here not doing shit. I don't have to pay to go to school. I don't have to pay for gas. I have a car. I'm over here fuckin livin the good life when theres other people out there struggling, trying to get the shit that I have, which was fuckin handed to me like it was nothing!
I realize I need to value what I have. I need to value the people and family I have in my life. Because there are other people out there who are not as fortunate as me. While I sit on my ass and complain about my parents. They do so fuckin much for me. Theres times when instead of my mom buying something nice for herself, she'll spend her little paycheck on me and my brother, to make sure that we don't go without. To make sure that we have everything we want. My mom is strong. She really is. And sometimes I DON'T see that. There is times when she will get so depressed to the point where she constantly reminds me that she's going to die soon, and she'll cry about things my drunk father said to her. And I'll look at her, and wonder "where's your strength i thought you had?" But I realize that people can have all the strength in the world, but sometimes your strength can be defeated. I love her. I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. And I promise, I will be successful so I can give her back what she has given me. Life.
I need to realize that my father is a drunk. Beer is his addiction, because thats his medication. He's bipolar and thats how he medicates. I can't change that. All I can do is pray. But I need to be positive. He does so much for me. He works so hard. Everyday. He works to make sure we have a roof over our heads. He works to make sure we have the medical we need. He makes sure we can live comfortably and not have to worry about financial issues. He is a hard worker. There are times he has worked 24 hours, doing overtime. Wtf??? He can drink, and call me all types of bitches. That's okay. I need to stop taking it to heart. Thats not him speaking, thats the alcohol. The alcohol is the devil.... believe that. I don't hate my dad. I hate his addiction. And I will continue to pray for him and hope that it will not be the death of him. I love him.
Juan made me realize a lot of things about myself, and that shit is not cute. I've been doing it for so long. I look like a fuckin flake right now. And I don't wanna look like that. Because deep down, I know that's not me. It's as if I'm standing in the mirror and looking at a total stranger. Like what???????? that's me???? That can't be me!! It can't be. How? What did I do to turn into that? There are times when I can't look at myself. Because I am ashamed. I'm ashamed of how I look. I'm ashamed of who I am. Thats not what I want to be. Thats now how I want to look. There are times when I feel every thing on me is horrific. Then there are times when I look in the mirror and I see me, and study my features, and realize how beautiful some of them really are. I look into the mirror, and stare into my eyes. I see the pain, the happiness, the dreams. I see my soul. Today I looked at myself. And I told myself, hey, I am beautiful.. I may not like my body, but I don't have to live with it. I have to sacrifice. The taste of food is only good for the moment, but the taste of being slimmer is good for a lifetime. I can do it. I really can. I actually can do anything. It just takes hard work, and hard work is something I can't be afraid of. No one is going to hold my hand. I have to do it myself. And I know once I do it, I will know for sure that I can do anything, and I think I'll actually be able to breathe...
I want to apologize. To anyone I may have offended. Anyone I may have been untrue to. Please know that when I apologize, I truly mean it. I never meant to hurt anyone. In the end, I actually hurt myself the most. Now all I can do is go back and fix my mistakes, and change now. I will do it. I promise. Nothing else matters. I also want to thank everyone who has actually been there for me, and helped me. Holly made me realize that I WASTE money. I buy shit I don't need. But I love her. Shes always there for me. I can always count on her to listen to me, and not judge me. And actually give me the advice I need, not the kind that sounds good to my ears. I thank Juan for everything. I put him through so much. So much bullshit. At this point, I probably dug myself so far in the hole to the point where it might be impossible to climb out. But i'll try. Because I love him. I truly truly truly do. And from now on, everything I say and do will be real. I promise!!! They make me happy :]
So I'm changing, as a person. I'm cutting all the negative ppl out of my life, and being thankful for the good ppl I do have. I'm focusing on me and what I have to do, nobody else. I wanna be able to look at myself, and see the image I picture in my mind. I wanna take care of myself, and be more real. I need to live now.. before my time is up.
Now i'm gonna go watch old black classic movies with my mom. LovePeace&Music.
Goodnight!
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