RIP Auntie

She passed away on wednesday, September 17, 2008. Ironic how I posted the last blog worried about her a week before she passed. Things are really tough right now and I have not had the chance to speak to many people or thank/reply to the really sweet myspace comments that were left but I will get to them when I am able to. I have been helping out my Granny and my aunties son Joshua. I've been at their house spending the nights. The funeral is this wednesday. I'm actually sick right now. I have a virus. I went to the doctor this morning and got some antibiotic. That really sucks because I have no rest time since I'm really trying to help out, and I can't miss anymore school or work so man. I hope I feel better really soon. But yea.. I've been spacing out so much. Even when I'm driving, and that's really not a good thing. I end up driving somewhere that is not my destination because my mind is in another place. Even when i'm on the phone, I don't hear what people are saying because my mind is just NOT there. So I don't want my friends to feel as if I'm ignoring them because I'm not. Things are really crazy right now, and I feel like people can't tell me they know exactly how I feel because everyone is different and everyone handles death different. They may think oh it's just my auntie, but what people don't know is she is one of the ppl who helped raised me and we shared a very special relationship. The fact that I was already worried and terrified she might leave this earth before she actually did, is what really bothers me. The fact that I saw her dead body laying in that bed, really bothers me. And the fact that I did sleep in that bed where she died, bothers me. I'm really thankful for the people that have been staying close in contact with me, asking me how I'm doing - and just brightening up my day, really lifts my spirits. I'm happy to be around my loving family - we're helping each other out, especially my cousin josh and granny. This has brought us all tighter and I know that's what my auntie wanted. I really have been there for my cousin Joshua because I feel that he is the most important. That was his mommy, and he's only 11. We talk, he's off and on, he cries at random moments, but he's going to make it. I love him and I'll be there for him forever.

I would post the blog I wrote on myspace the day she died and the events that occurred, but I kinda don't feel like it. My friends and family really appreciated that blog because it let them know what happened and it also touched them and brought them to tears. So I'm glad I wrote that.

So right now I have to go pick up the programs for the funeral and make the picture collages so I'm off.....
God Bless

RIP Barbara Diana Ferrell
aka auntie
March 14, 1960 - September 17, 2008

Life is too short

The past few days have been so hard. As some of you know, my auntie has breast cancer. It has been a roller coaster ride. She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer back in December 2006. She went through a lot, dealing with chemo, and around august 2007, her doctor basically told her to get her affairs in order. We felt he was wrong for saying what he did, because he's not God, and cannot give her a time. So she went to a new doctor, they had her doing radiation 2 times a day - and finally, January 2008, they removed the breast. She looked so much better, her hair was growing back, and finally, we thought it was over, and everything would be better from then on. She went back to chemo, lost all of her new beautiful hair, and everything just went downhill from then. The cancer spread. The past few months have been torture. Everyday, shes getting smaller and smaller. She's weak. She's skin and bones, and she hardly eats. Maybe shes starting to give up. People don't think shes going to make it. We spent time with her over the weekend. Shes been having blood transfusions and all of that, so I think this week shes been weaker than usual. Yesterday, we watched movies with her. She laid there in the bed and I couldn't help but notice her little frail body. If you know me, you know that I'm close to my auntie. She raised me, along with my Granny and my parents. She's one of my heroes, and seeing her like this breaks my heart. Shes the smartest person I know. She's such a beautiful person. She's like one of my best friends. I can tell her anything, and I know she won't judge me. You can hold the best conversations with her, and learn so many things from her. She is strong. She really is! When that doctor told her she wasn't gonna make it, she was like "fuck you!" She made it THIS far, and she will keep on fightin. But this cancer... I can't accept it. I can't accept that she could be dying. I can't accept losing her now. We need her. Her son, Joshua, who is only 11, NEEDS her. My Granny NEEDS her. We all need her. We can't let her give up. We need to let her know that we are here and fighting for her too. Our cousin flew in from southern California because she's really worried about my aunt. She actually had booked her flight for the end of September, but something told her to come now, so she did. It's just been really hard on me. I've been in tears so much. It seems like I cry like 10 times a day. I'm just so worried. I hate death. I hate sickness. Like this whole situation has made me appreciate life so much more. I don't think people understand how precious loved ones are. You never know when you might lose them, so cherish them. Spend time with them. Tell them you love them. Life is too short.

I'm going to stay positive. No one knows when shes going to die, and we can't focus on that, because that's like us giving up on her. I pray to God that he gives her more time. I pray for a miracle. I decided I'm going to write a really nice letter for her. Something to cheer her up, give her hope, and motivate her to keep fighting.

If there is anything you would like to write her, maybe something motivational or quotes, e-mail it to me. Pwincessbee@yahoo.com. I'd really appreciate it. =] I think I might make like a scrapbook or something out of it.

God Bless