Helloooo world!

All i have to say is life is really beautiful.
I'm totally grateful and thankful for what i have and who I have in my life.
Things are a little rocky right now, but after the storm there's always a rainbow.
:)
I made a vow to myself to grow into the person I want to be, and so far so good.
I feel as if I can't fix everything, so I need to leave them be.
I've learned so much this past month it's crazy.
All I can say is that people are fucked up, and thats the honest to God truth.
People are sooooo... consumed with themselves, its kinda ridiculous.
I always look at the bigger picture. I always read between the lines, that's just me.
I don't worry about irrelevant things.. as long as they aren't going to bother me, then I really don't care.
People may mistake me for being the type of girl who doesn't stand up for herself, or speak up.
But I look at it this way, why make a scene when the whole situation is beneath me.
I feel as if people don't deserve my attention, as to why they don't get it.
It's nothing personal, thats just me. I speak when I want to speak.
Anywaysssssssss

addicted much? yea
There is more but I forgot to include them in the pic!
BUTTTTTTT stina showed me this new line that has a gazillion eyeshadows
and they are super good just like MAC, and they are cheap. Its like this huge eyeshadow palette
with 88 colors for only 25 dollars. I;m sooooo excited I can't wait till they get here.
Tons of girls who use MAC posted youtube videos and such on it and they said they really love it.
I told my friends about it and like 4 people ordered too! hhahahaha I think mine will be here sometime
this week so YAYYYYY. I'm gonna have a field day!

OH YEA. I'm going down to los angeles again november 6th.
Super excited of course.
I'm gonna be staying with my family that I always knew about, but haven't really met till now.
Thats one thing my auntie always did, was made sure we kept contact with family, and i'm
sooo happy my cousin janet came up to visit before my auntie passed. She's such a beautiful person
and shes super fun and I love her. I can't wait to go see herrrrr and everyone else. oH and of course
my best friend/sister/other half/mariah carey buddy/twin holly. I missed herrrr! I swear she's like....
the best friend I always wanted but never had. Ohthatsbalm.com coming soon yallllllllllll :] be excited, I know we are.

RIP Auntie

She passed away on wednesday, September 17, 2008. Ironic how I posted the last blog worried about her a week before she passed. Things are really tough right now and I have not had the chance to speak to many people or thank/reply to the really sweet myspace comments that were left but I will get to them when I am able to. I have been helping out my Granny and my aunties son Joshua. I've been at their house spending the nights. The funeral is this wednesday. I'm actually sick right now. I have a virus. I went to the doctor this morning and got some antibiotic. That really sucks because I have no rest time since I'm really trying to help out, and I can't miss anymore school or work so man. I hope I feel better really soon. But yea.. I've been spacing out so much. Even when I'm driving, and that's really not a good thing. I end up driving somewhere that is not my destination because my mind is in another place. Even when i'm on the phone, I don't hear what people are saying because my mind is just NOT there. So I don't want my friends to feel as if I'm ignoring them because I'm not. Things are really crazy right now, and I feel like people can't tell me they know exactly how I feel because everyone is different and everyone handles death different. They may think oh it's just my auntie, but what people don't know is she is one of the ppl who helped raised me and we shared a very special relationship. The fact that I was already worried and terrified she might leave this earth before she actually did, is what really bothers me. The fact that I saw her dead body laying in that bed, really bothers me. And the fact that I did sleep in that bed where she died, bothers me. I'm really thankful for the people that have been staying close in contact with me, asking me how I'm doing - and just brightening up my day, really lifts my spirits. I'm happy to be around my loving family - we're helping each other out, especially my cousin josh and granny. This has brought us all tighter and I know that's what my auntie wanted. I really have been there for my cousin Joshua because I feel that he is the most important. That was his mommy, and he's only 11. We talk, he's off and on, he cries at random moments, but he's going to make it. I love him and I'll be there for him forever.

I would post the blog I wrote on myspace the day she died and the events that occurred, but I kinda don't feel like it. My friends and family really appreciated that blog because it let them know what happened and it also touched them and brought them to tears. So I'm glad I wrote that.

So right now I have to go pick up the programs for the funeral and make the picture collages so I'm off.....
God Bless

RIP Barbara Diana Ferrell
aka auntie
March 14, 1960 - September 17, 2008

Life is too short

The past few days have been so hard. As some of you know, my auntie has breast cancer. It has been a roller coaster ride. She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer back in December 2006. She went through a lot, dealing with chemo, and around august 2007, her doctor basically told her to get her affairs in order. We felt he was wrong for saying what he did, because he's not God, and cannot give her a time. So she went to a new doctor, they had her doing radiation 2 times a day - and finally, January 2008, they removed the breast. She looked so much better, her hair was growing back, and finally, we thought it was over, and everything would be better from then on. She went back to chemo, lost all of her new beautiful hair, and everything just went downhill from then. The cancer spread. The past few months have been torture. Everyday, shes getting smaller and smaller. She's weak. She's skin and bones, and she hardly eats. Maybe shes starting to give up. People don't think shes going to make it. We spent time with her over the weekend. Shes been having blood transfusions and all of that, so I think this week shes been weaker than usual. Yesterday, we watched movies with her. She laid there in the bed and I couldn't help but notice her little frail body. If you know me, you know that I'm close to my auntie. She raised me, along with my Granny and my parents. She's one of my heroes, and seeing her like this breaks my heart. Shes the smartest person I know. She's such a beautiful person. She's like one of my best friends. I can tell her anything, and I know she won't judge me. You can hold the best conversations with her, and learn so many things from her. She is strong. She really is! When that doctor told her she wasn't gonna make it, she was like "fuck you!" She made it THIS far, and she will keep on fightin. But this cancer... I can't accept it. I can't accept that she could be dying. I can't accept losing her now. We need her. Her son, Joshua, who is only 11, NEEDS her. My Granny NEEDS her. We all need her. We can't let her give up. We need to let her know that we are here and fighting for her too. Our cousin flew in from southern California because she's really worried about my aunt. She actually had booked her flight for the end of September, but something told her to come now, so she did. It's just been really hard on me. I've been in tears so much. It seems like I cry like 10 times a day. I'm just so worried. I hate death. I hate sickness. Like this whole situation has made me appreciate life so much more. I don't think people understand how precious loved ones are. You never know when you might lose them, so cherish them. Spend time with them. Tell them you love them. Life is too short.

I'm going to stay positive. No one knows when shes going to die, and we can't focus on that, because that's like us giving up on her. I pray to God that he gives her more time. I pray for a miracle. I decided I'm going to write a really nice letter for her. Something to cheer her up, give her hope, and motivate her to keep fighting.

If there is anything you would like to write her, maybe something motivational or quotes, e-mail it to me. Pwincessbee@yahoo.com. I'd really appreciate it. =] I think I might make like a scrapbook or something out of it.

God Bless

Another Rant

I'm so sick and fucking tired of people. I swear. I really fucking mean it too. I'm tired of people complaining about BULLSHIT. I mean, don't complain about shit you get yourself caught up into. I'm tired of fake ass people too. I've been really trying lately to stay positive but what the fuck?????? Everyone around me is being negative and I'm over here trying to be positive and it just doesn't seem like its getting anywhere. And why is it that EVERYTHING I seem to do is wrong??? It's as if I can't do anything right! Oh and also, I've been pretty fucking generous lately. I NEVER help anyone. Never!!!!!! But now that I see some of my close ones doing not so well, I try to help them out. I give them what I can, even when I don't really have it. Listen folks, I'm not rich. All I make is 450 dollars a month, with a 100 dollar phone bill. I hate when ppl think I have all the money in the world, when I don't. I've actually been spending money I don't have. Thats a big fuckin problem. I'm about to take shit back because I can't afford it. My savings has plummeted, from me taking money out to pay my credit card. And it's just whack. I really hope my mom doesn't see my statement, because I wouldn't even know how to explain.

*sigh*

this whole being "nice" shit isn't getting me anywhere.
i'm tired of letting shit slide
or trying to come up with excuses as to why someone is treating me like shit
i don't know..

Aggrivated much?

Okay so I don't even know why i'm blogging right now.. I guess i'm gonna be a blogspot fiend! Lol but yea I don't know I think i'm a little aggrivated right now. You know how you'll be in a really good ass mood, looking forward to things and stuff? Then you see/hear/whatever one thing and it just kinda makes you feel like blah?? Well yup thats how I feel right now. EHHHHHHHH

So I have to say this: i LOVE solange.
I love all of her friggin songs. I love her style. I love her personality. Shes so different from Beyonce. She's really creative and her songs are different and I really like it. Thats all i've been listening to lately and I feel like I can relate to them in some ways or another. Valentines Day is my shiiiiiiiiiit. I'm adding it to my page! Oh and her new video, sandcastle disco is amazing.



Well I'm off to get ready so I can go pick up my cousin.
Hopefully I feel better :]

Blaaaaaaaah!

Soooooooooooo yeah?!? Nothings really been up with me. I been doin some stuff but I mean it's nothing exciting. Been cleaning, visiting my granny and auntie, cousin stayed over for a couple days, and workin on my brothers new website. Last night we were at my grannys house till 2am. I'm kinda worried about my auntie (who has breast cancer). She's getting so thin again, just like last summer. Shes been going to chemo, which is really taking a toll on her. I don't know... it's just sad to see her this way. My mom bought over chinese food, and even though she was not hungry, she ate it because she really needs it. I just wanna see her better. Like she already had the breast removed, and I thought it was going to be much better from there but I guess its back to the same ol. I don't know what condition shes in now, but i'm just going to hope for the best. When we got home my mom brought up about how weak she was and started to cry. This kinda has me shook up a little...

Today was whack. I'm so tired, to the point where I was getting headaches, but I don't know I just couldn't sleep. When I tried, my dad came and woke me up makin me fold clothes, then I went walking with Cheryl. It was cool, no one was really out. Now my other cousin, Chelsi, is gonna spend the weekend with me. I gotta pick her up at the train station. Shes cool, I only get to see her like a few times a year, even tho she only lives 2 hours away from me. I'll take her somewhere cool and cheap cuz we both brokeeeeee!

I just feel like I need something really good to happen. Something unexpected, something that will brighten up my day. It seems like a lot of people are disappointed in me or something. I'm not sure why, or what I did for them to feel that way. But I guess I shouldn't care. Other than that, I'm excited for Vegas! 9 more days.

Something a little personal

Sometimes I wish I was a good writer, so I could turn all of my thoughts and true feelings into words. But I can't and I find that to be a problem. Because sometimes, i'll try so hard to put my thoughts into words - but it'll turn into something that its not. It puts a twist to my true feelings, causing someone to think its about one thing, when its really not. I think i'm going to expand my mind, and vocabulary, by reading different types of books. Literature that will bring me new words, new thoughts, and exercise my mind. I'm a deep person. A really deep person. No one would know. No one would have even thought that about me. I keep it to myself, because I don't think I could translate it. It's like speaking a different language, and trying to get someone to understand, but it turns out to be a water down version, and ends up just looking dumb.

I talk a lot of shit. I say a lot of things. But all of the bullshit that comes out of my mouth, more than likely, is nothing I meant intentionally. I do mean well, I swear. I may say racist remarks, rude things pertaining to people. But I don't truly mean it. I don't have a drop of hatred in my soul. I think its something we all do, even if we don't notice it. Nobody is perfect. Especially me! I can admit that to the fullest. I'm like, a on the low bitch. I think sometimes I put on a front, as if i'm the nicest person in the world, when i'm not. I do wrong shit all the time, even if its not that bad, it's still wrong. I think sometimes I try to compare the shit to other people, and say hey, atleast i'm not doing what they're doing. But it's still wrong and I have to change. I talk a lot and have or do nothing to back it up. I complain about things, but I don't do shit about it. I find myself getting stuck in situations, so deep to the point where it's like, it was easy falling down the hole, now I have to work 100x harder climbing out of it. I don't think before I do things. And thats whats going to cause me to fail in life in general. Right now I feel like my life is not moving forward. It's like I'm walking around in circles, not getting anywhere. And It's all because of me, and the nonsense I pull. I feel bad because I see people like my best friend Holly, working so hard to get somewhere in life, and nothings happening for her. While i'm sitting here not doing shit. I don't have to pay to go to school. I don't have to pay for gas. I have a car. I'm over here fuckin livin the good life when theres other people out there struggling, trying to get the shit that I have, which was fuckin handed to me like it was nothing!

I realize I need to value what I have. I need to value the people and family I have in my life. Because there are other people out there who are not as fortunate as me. While I sit on my ass and complain about my parents. They do so fuckin much for me. Theres times when instead of my mom buying something nice for herself, she'll spend her little paycheck on me and my brother, to make sure that we don't go without. To make sure that we have everything we want. My mom is strong. She really is. And sometimes I DON'T see that. There is times when she will get so depressed to the point where she constantly reminds me that she's going to die soon, and she'll cry about things my drunk father said to her. And I'll look at her, and wonder "where's your strength i thought you had?" But I realize that people can have all the strength in the world, but sometimes your strength can be defeated. I love her. I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. And I promise, I will be successful so I can give her back what she has given me. Life.

I need to realize that my father is a drunk. Beer is his addiction, because thats his medication. He's bipolar and thats how he medicates. I can't change that. All I can do is pray. But I need to be positive. He does so much for me. He works so hard. Everyday. He works to make sure we have a roof over our heads. He works to make sure we have the medical we need. He makes sure we can live comfortably and not have to worry about financial issues. He is a hard worker. There are times he has worked 24 hours, doing overtime. Wtf??? He can drink, and call me all types of bitches. That's okay. I need to stop taking it to heart. Thats not him speaking, thats the alcohol. The alcohol is the devil.... believe that. I don't hate my dad. I hate his addiction. And I will continue to pray for him and hope that it will not be the death of him. I love him.

Juan made me realize a lot of things about myself, and that shit is not cute. I've been doing it for so long. I look like a fuckin flake right now. And I don't wanna look like that. Because deep down, I know that's not me. It's as if I'm standing in the mirror and looking at a total stranger. Like what???????? that's me???? That can't be me!! It can't be. How? What did I do to turn into that? There are times when I can't look at myself. Because I am ashamed. I'm ashamed of how I look. I'm ashamed of who I am. Thats not what I want to be. Thats now how I want to look. There are times when I feel every thing on me is horrific. Then there are times when I look in the mirror and I see me, and study my features, and realize how beautiful some of them really are. I look into the mirror, and stare into my eyes. I see the pain, the happiness, the dreams. I see my soul. Today I looked at myself. And I told myself, hey, I am beautiful.. I may not like my body, but I don't have to live with it. I have to sacrifice. The taste of food is only good for the moment, but the taste of being slimmer is good for a lifetime. I can do it. I really can. I actually can do anything. It just takes hard work, and hard work is something I can't be afraid of. No one is going to hold my hand. I have to do it myself. And I know once I do it, I will know for sure that I can do anything, and I think I'll actually be able to breathe...

I want to apologize. To anyone I may have offended. Anyone I may have been untrue to. Please know that when I apologize, I truly mean it. I never meant to hurt anyone. In the end, I actually hurt myself the most. Now all I can do is go back and fix my mistakes, and change now. I will do it. I promise. Nothing else matters. I also want to thank everyone who has actually been there for me, and helped me. Holly made me realize that I WASTE money. I buy shit I don't need. But I love her. Shes always there for me. I can always count on her to listen to me, and not judge me. And actually give me the advice I need, not the kind that sounds good to my ears. I thank Juan for everything. I put him through so much. So much bullshit. At this point, I probably dug myself so far in the hole to the point where it might be impossible to climb out. But i'll try. Because I love him. I truly truly truly do. And from now on, everything I say and do will be real. I promise!!! They make me happy :]

So I'm changing, as a person. I'm cutting all the negative ppl out of my life, and being thankful for the good ppl I do have. I'm focusing on me and what I have to do, nobody else. I wanna be able to look at myself, and see the image I picture in my mind. I wanna take care of myself, and be more real. I need to live now.. before my time is up.

Now i'm gonna go watch old black classic movies with my mom. LovePeace&Music.
Goodnight!

Geeeeeez

woooooooooo i don't even know where to begin!! I been SOOOOOOO tired lately. like I don't think i've ever been so tired in my life. I think part of the reason is I stress myself all the time. I get to thinking about all the shit that needs to be done and when it needs to be done, which causes me to stress hecka much. and ladies and gentlemen... that is NOT a good thing!! Soooo I just need to figure out what i'm going to do and when i'm going to do it and just become more organized with my time. I'm sick, once again, with the same ass shit. Like wtf I don't know where I get this shit from!! I guess its just being around people, yanno? (its a respiratory infection) and theres this stupid rash on my face and neck and this bootleg doctor was saying its acne when clearly its not acne so tomorrow I will be seeing my specialist so he can gimmie some medicine and sheit. I hate when my skin isn't clear, really. It bugs the hell outta me! But other than that everything has been okay.. i guess???? I mean it seems like I don't talk to a lot of people anymore, just mainly my boyfriend and erin and holly and carmen. i friggin love them, i swear. i love my boyfriend, for being my strength and showing me i'm capable of doing anything i want and teaching me how to love myself. i love erin for being my best friend and the sister i never had. i love holly for always making me laugh and making my day. i love carmen for always being there to listen and understand me. i'm glad to have such beautiful people in my lifeeeee :) awww now i'm not feeling as stressed out as I was before! but yea, i love these niggas! and right nowwww, i'm missing my babbbbbyyy, therefore i'ma go to sleep.

*** and yesssssss i will be using this thing again :) it needs a new layout, too bad i don't have time to make one.

something new

so yea i deleted all my old posts. they're whack lmao. ummmm change? yea. anyways i'm sick and i got a shit load of school work to do. fuck thisssssssssssssssssssssss.